what's your best "husband stuff" story?

[kate]

Here's mine:

Before the accident, we needed to replace our shake roof. He was "going to call some contractors" for about 6 months but never did, then WHAM, broke his neck and all bets were off. The accident was in March; he came home in the end of May, sick and weak and ohmygodhowcouldthisbe . . . by the fall some minor facets of his normal personality had begun to reappear, and it had started to rain. Hard. This is Seattle, here, Okay?

I desperately wanted him to resume something from our old life. Anything. A few phone calls did not seem like too much. I told him I was NOT going to deal with the roof, and then one day it rained REALLY hard, and it started leaking. Freakout! Okay, okay, he said. I'll call them.

I happened to be seeing my therapist that day. I told him how mad I was that nothing had been done, and how--yes, Fran, resentful!--that it looked like I'd have to step in after all. Why? said the shrink. Um, because I don't want our ceiling to fall in all over the kitchen. Well, what if it does? Um, then it'll be a huge mess, which I will have to clean up. Why? Well, I guess I COULD call someone . . . so I really DON'T have to step in? I can just allow this to happen? I'm not the only adult in the house? Okay, I think I get it . . .

Flash forward 2 months. No new roof. Lots of rain. My back is out for the first time in my life--happened when I was trying to put on the "squeezy socks" in too big of a hurry--and I'm lying in our bed while the spouse and kids do whatever they're doing in the kitchen. Daughter #2 comes in to tell me that the ceiling is bulging.

I do not move or open my eyes. I tell her to get everything out from under where the bulge is, including make Daddy move.

In 10 minutes she reports back that they've got the unwrapped presents (it was December) out of the way, and the bulge seems to be moving around.

It's raining.

I do not move or open my eyes. Pretty soon a huge crash, a scream, and now I do get up and go to the door. The three of them are sitting in the kitchen, with soggy insulation and drywall about a foot thick all over our table, and a 4-foot hole in the ceiling.

I say: I'm NOT cleaning this up! and close the door.

All true! I'll tell you later what happened after that . . .

[martha]

Kate! You can't stop there! I have to know what happened!

martha

[kate]

Ah yes, back in our bed seething and telling myself NOT to get up. Gads! Do you have any idea what a freaking mess a pile of wet insulation makes out of a perfectly comfy kitchen?!

I heard the lift bringing him up to our bedroom, and he wheeled in. We looked at each other, and you know, in some ways I think that was the moment when our marriage started up again. I told him he should maybe call a friend, which he did. After awhile I could hear the two of them down there making guy jokes about how actually cool it was to see such a thing. His friend loaded a couple of garbage cans full of the crud, swept our floor in typical half-assed guy fashion, and left.

The girls went to bed, and so did we, and the next day he called the roofers, who lickety split made an emergency appearance and duct-taped a giant tarp over the hole. Inside we had a lovely sheet of black plastic taped over our table, which had to stay there for a month or so while we got worked into the roofing schedule.

Yes, my dears, this does mean we ate Christmas dinner under a piece of black plastic! But I had nothing to do with it, by God. Finally the guy came and cleaned up the edges and cut a new piece of drywall and installed it.

He left the repainting for me, and somehow or other I just haven't gotten around to it. Meant to do it over the summer, then thought, oh, I'll have time when school starts and the kids are gone . . . heard today that it's likely the local teachers will be striking in a few days, though, so now I don't know.

Sigh.

The thing is, I'm not sorry I let all this happen. My shrink was right--I really DIDN'T have to take it on, and it really was okay for him to see that I NEED him as much as ever. I'm NOT a caregiver--his functioning doesn't require that of me anyway, THANK GOD.

Anyway--if any of you ever get into the Pacific Northwest, I'd love to have you in my kitchen, whether I ever get the damn thing repainted or not.

Your turn!

[martha]

Kate, that's GREAT that you could do that! I'm going to definitely take lessons from you. And I don't think anyone visiting would care about your unpainted ceiling. After we had the elevator installed (a necessity when you live in a house on stilts) and they had to move doors and windows to do it, they left the drywall unfinished and unpainted. It's only been 14 months and I'll get around to it eventually. That clean freak that I used to be seems to have disappeared and I can live with people seeing the house less than perfect now.

martha

[TD]

I knew she could not do it all from the moment I came home in my halo brace. It took a while to get the computer hutch raised so I could have access but as soon as it was accessible I went right to work doing what I could.

I jumped back into handling our finances (what there was left of them!! http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/frown.gif ) and when we needed a new roof I did the calling, negotiated prices, contacted our city for help (we have a beautification program that we happened to qualify for), filled out and filed all the paperwork, etc., etc. When it came to refinancing the house so we would have money for other projects we did everything together. She hauled the boxes out with the paperwork and I organized it for the lender.

We have a new roof, re-surfaced pool, new flooring, and loads of other projects completed because we worked as a team. The best part of my story is I accomplished all these things while suffering mild to moderate brain damage in addition to my SCI.

As for counseling, I never needed it. After the first year I realized just how big an ass I had become and vowed never to be one again. My wife's shrink told her my attitude was normal considering all the drugs I was on and with my brain damage, I was going to be this way forever. Shocked him, my wife, and lots of other people when I made the turn around all on my own.

Don't let your SCI spouses get away with feeling sorry for themselves. It takes a team effort to get through life. The "I'm injured and can't do things" attitude just doesn't cut it.

"And so it begins."

[KDK513]

Kate and Martha, thanks for making me laugh! Humor saves the day once again. TD, wish you were mine! Kath

[jm98312]

Like I always said and I'll say it again,especially now that I'm in a chair-I don't need a husband,I need a wife!(Just kidding,honey)

[martha]

Originally posted by JHM:

Like I always said and I'll say it again,especially now that I'm in a chair-I don't need a husband,I need a wife!(Just kidding,honey)

Thanks for the smile. I'm not in a chair and I've been telling my husband that for 30 years! http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/images/smilies/biggrin.gif

martha

[spinner's wife]

On and off we have our little "spats" and there are days when my fuse is too short. On one of those days we went grocery shopping and when it was time to put the groceries in the van my husband just sat there waiting for me to do all the "work". I remember telling him "Would you please help me?!! You're not THAT crippled!!" We both busted out laughing and ever since then he always takes an active role in helping with the groceries.