antiquity
06-17-2002, 10:05 AM
BOOK REVIEW
Forging on after a spouse's fall changes life forever
By Karen Campbell, Globe Correspondent, 6/17/2002
Like Jill, who goes ''tumbling after'' Jack when he ''falls down and breaks his crown,'' Susan Parker went into a complete tailspin when her husband, Ralph, had a freak bicycle accident that left him a quadriplegic. Her new memoir, based on her award-winning columns about life with Ralph for The San Francisco Chronicle, takes up where that one tragic moment left off, as she adjusts to the aftermath of the accident and figures out how to make sense of a life totally changed.
''Tumbling After: Pedaling Like Crazy After Life Goes Downhill'' could easily have been one of those maudlin, life-affirming tomes that make us cringe and weep in sympathy, admiring the courage of the victim and the saintliness of the caretaker. However, Parker talks about coping with the trials of her new life with such darkly mordant wit and an almost complete absence of self-pitying whine that it makes her tale of survival more than palatable. It is a compelling page turner that is vividly descriptive, achingly moving, and surprisingly laugh-out-loud funny.
Parker charts the rhythm of her days with a straightforward, almost detached tone that is devoid of melodrama and tinged with irony. Even so, the first several chapters are tough going, as she describes the details of her new life as constant caregiver. And as the book unfolds, there are constant setbacks with which to contend - boils and bedsores, infections Ralph can't even feel until they invade his pulmonary system, making it hard to breathe, and all the little wheelchair accidents, from going over curbs to getting stuck in vans and elevators.
The couple's daily traumas put the vagaries of ordinary life into blazing perspective. However, little sparks of humor reassure us that Parker is going to be OK. This is, after all, a tale of dogged perseverance and cagey optimism.
Through accounts of Parker's therapy sessions we learn a little about Ralph himself, who surprisingly remains a bit of an enigma throughout, adjusting to his condition with good humor and flexibility while Parker sometimes feels she is ''dying inside.''
We learn about their life before the accident - the passion, the fights, their love of entertaining, bonding over the intense physical activity of biking, climbing, skiing, hiking - all of it devastated by a split-second tumble over the handlebars of a bicycle.
A major part of what gets Parker and her husband through the day is the eccentric collective of new friends that steps into their lives after old friends abandon them in their gravely changed circumstances. While this colorful cast of characters helps fill Parker's new needs, they have a whole host of needs of their own. They criticize and control, shamelessly mooch and sponge off Parker's limited funds (the extraordinary expenses of Ralph's care are a constant concern), and generally take advantage of her trusting nature. At times, the reader wants to shake Parker and say, ''Get a backbone, girl!'' Yet they give so much more than they take, providing comfort, support, levity, and love. The circus-like swirl of their comings and goings provides distraction from morbid preoccupation with Ralph's condition. They become her new family.
Parker's chief supporter is Mrs. Gerstine Scott, a generous, garrulous, 300-pound neighbor from down the street who shows up at the back door one day wearing ''a sequined pink beret and rings on each of her plump, large fingers.'' A formidable woman of unwavering faith and enough love to mother the entire neighborhood, she bulldozes her way into Parker's life, bringing with her a world of sweet, elderly women with good hearts and empty pocketbooks. Parker derives solace and courage from their attention. In return, Parker is ''the one with the car and some spare change.''
The hilarious and heartbreaking search for a caretaking attendant turns up Jerry, a slightly overweight ''sixty-year-old black man with tattoos and a gold earring.'' Jerry moves in, providing not only excellent care for Ralph, but raucous, irreverent humor. When, after eight months of deprivation, Parker finds thoughts of sex reemerging, she turns to Jerry. In him she finds ''the intimacy I'd been craving - not only for the physicality of a warm snuggle but for the shared banter, the discovery of something new and totally different, the funny stories and absurd laughter, the way Jerry's existence in our home caused me to think deeply about issues and values I had never before questioned.''
Then there's Harka, a Nepalese guide who shows up with little more than the clothes on his back and trades room and board for helping out with Ralph. He not only brings them committed care, but a whole other world view to add to the eclectic social mix.
In the end, ''Tumbling After'' is about coping with what life hands you - with determination, courage, ingenuity, a modicum of grace, and a hefty dose of humor.
''It is not the life Ralph and I planned to have together. It is not the family I had once hoped for,'' Parker writes. ''But it is a family of sorts, with all the idiosyncracies that every family, however traditional or makeshift, might have. We are not without joy or laughter or love. Ralph and I remain optimists. Somehow we'll get by.''
Tumbling After: Pedaling Like Crazy After Life Goes Downhill
By Susan Parker
Crown, 283 pp., $24
Forging on after a spouse's fall changes life forever
By Karen Campbell, Globe Correspondent, 6/17/2002
Like Jill, who goes ''tumbling after'' Jack when he ''falls down and breaks his crown,'' Susan Parker went into a complete tailspin when her husband, Ralph, had a freak bicycle accident that left him a quadriplegic. Her new memoir, based on her award-winning columns about life with Ralph for The San Francisco Chronicle, takes up where that one tragic moment left off, as she adjusts to the aftermath of the accident and figures out how to make sense of a life totally changed.
''Tumbling After: Pedaling Like Crazy After Life Goes Downhill'' could easily have been one of those maudlin, life-affirming tomes that make us cringe and weep in sympathy, admiring the courage of the victim and the saintliness of the caretaker. However, Parker talks about coping with the trials of her new life with such darkly mordant wit and an almost complete absence of self-pitying whine that it makes her tale of survival more than palatable. It is a compelling page turner that is vividly descriptive, achingly moving, and surprisingly laugh-out-loud funny.
Parker charts the rhythm of her days with a straightforward, almost detached tone that is devoid of melodrama and tinged with irony. Even so, the first several chapters are tough going, as she describes the details of her new life as constant caregiver. And as the book unfolds, there are constant setbacks with which to contend - boils and bedsores, infections Ralph can't even feel until they invade his pulmonary system, making it hard to breathe, and all the little wheelchair accidents, from going over curbs to getting stuck in vans and elevators.
The couple's daily traumas put the vagaries of ordinary life into blazing perspective. However, little sparks of humor reassure us that Parker is going to be OK. This is, after all, a tale of dogged perseverance and cagey optimism.
Through accounts of Parker's therapy sessions we learn a little about Ralph himself, who surprisingly remains a bit of an enigma throughout, adjusting to his condition with good humor and flexibility while Parker sometimes feels she is ''dying inside.''
We learn about their life before the accident - the passion, the fights, their love of entertaining, bonding over the intense physical activity of biking, climbing, skiing, hiking - all of it devastated by a split-second tumble over the handlebars of a bicycle.
A major part of what gets Parker and her husband through the day is the eccentric collective of new friends that steps into their lives after old friends abandon them in their gravely changed circumstances. While this colorful cast of characters helps fill Parker's new needs, they have a whole host of needs of their own. They criticize and control, shamelessly mooch and sponge off Parker's limited funds (the extraordinary expenses of Ralph's care are a constant concern), and generally take advantage of her trusting nature. At times, the reader wants to shake Parker and say, ''Get a backbone, girl!'' Yet they give so much more than they take, providing comfort, support, levity, and love. The circus-like swirl of their comings and goings provides distraction from morbid preoccupation with Ralph's condition. They become her new family.
Parker's chief supporter is Mrs. Gerstine Scott, a generous, garrulous, 300-pound neighbor from down the street who shows up at the back door one day wearing ''a sequined pink beret and rings on each of her plump, large fingers.'' A formidable woman of unwavering faith and enough love to mother the entire neighborhood, she bulldozes her way into Parker's life, bringing with her a world of sweet, elderly women with good hearts and empty pocketbooks. Parker derives solace and courage from their attention. In return, Parker is ''the one with the car and some spare change.''
The hilarious and heartbreaking search for a caretaking attendant turns up Jerry, a slightly overweight ''sixty-year-old black man with tattoos and a gold earring.'' Jerry moves in, providing not only excellent care for Ralph, but raucous, irreverent humor. When, after eight months of deprivation, Parker finds thoughts of sex reemerging, she turns to Jerry. In him she finds ''the intimacy I'd been craving - not only for the physicality of a warm snuggle but for the shared banter, the discovery of something new and totally different, the funny stories and absurd laughter, the way Jerry's existence in our home caused me to think deeply about issues and values I had never before questioned.''
Then there's Harka, a Nepalese guide who shows up with little more than the clothes on his back and trades room and board for helping out with Ralph. He not only brings them committed care, but a whole other world view to add to the eclectic social mix.
In the end, ''Tumbling After'' is about coping with what life hands you - with determination, courage, ingenuity, a modicum of grace, and a hefty dose of humor.
''It is not the life Ralph and I planned to have together. It is not the family I had once hoped for,'' Parker writes. ''But it is a family of sorts, with all the idiosyncracies that every family, however traditional or makeshift, might have. We are not without joy or laughter or love. Ralph and I remain optimists. Somehow we'll get by.''
Tumbling After: Pedaling Like Crazy After Life Goes Downhill
By Susan Parker
Crown, 283 pp., $24