When to nurture, when to stop?

[farm mom]

This is a very hard thing for me to write. My son was also injured Nov '99 and is a c-5c-6 complete. We live in a very rural setting and he has come to live with us since his rehab. We hav found morning help for him, except on weekends and the rest of the time, day and night, he is dependent on his family for his care. He is now 23 years old and does alright for himself, but only does the minimum in terms of helping himself. he has almost stopped going to pt, and does not let anyone do much rom, he says when he got hurt he was told in 3-5 years things would change and he sees nothing coming to help him, so he has given up helping his body. He sits in his electric wheelchair and watches tv or plays on the computer all day long.
He has lost almost all his friends, either because they have moved away, or he doesn't return their calls. We are trying to get people to stay here so we can go away for a few days here and there, but he will not allow anyone but his brother, his father or I to care for him at night.
I tried to talk him unto an aide from our local nursing home to come care for him. He then threatened to live there permanently. I came home from work that day and found out he tried to shoot himself with the 22 caliber rifle while I was out.
When do I nurture, and when do I stop? I don't know which way to go. Are my husband and I to take care of our son for the rest of our days? Will any help ever come along to help my son and all those out there like him?
Are there others out there as sad as us?

[Scorpion]

It's time for 'tough love.' It's not easy, but you have to make it clear to him that you & your husband need time away. If he can't be independent yet, he needs to swallow his pride and accept help from people other than you, his Dad & his brother. Depending on his function, he may be able to be more independent than even he realizes.

But it also sounds like he's depressed. That's understandable, but he needs to get a handle on it for his sake and the family's sake. There's no shame in getting help from a therapist or psychiatrist either, and he may or may not need medication.

We do not live in a bubble, and what we do affects the ones we love. It's not fair to you for him to place all the burden of his care on you. My family will always be there for me, but there was a point when they finally put their foot down and demanded I take more control of my life, even if that meant hiring personal care attendents. Good luck. I know you're not the only parent using this board who's in a similar situation.

~Rus

"Life's a bitch, but I love her."

[mazey]

My heart is with you Farm Mom. I have a son who has reached a plateau. He has a job, his friends are mostly still there for him, what a blessing.
He actually has had an excellent attitude and positive outlook, but has been very protective of who he will "allow" to look after him. We did get am caregivers, but has refused any help from outsiders at night besides his Dad & I. He owns his own home. I'm sure your situation is so tough to watch him shut every one and thing out....I agree with Scorpion, who incidentally I think is great, He may need/have to see someone for a little help with his mental/emotional status. I'm sure he will not be any too receptive to that, so it may take some 'tough love'. That tough love is hard to sort out too. Especially, if they are threatening to end it.....Last fall, I was having a really hard time with my son, sorting out my life and where he is in it....I did go visit with a psychologist that I really like, and he helped me alot. Actually, didn't tell me anything new, just helped me reaffirm some things. The tragedy of their injuries is overwhelming to them and our lives. I do think time helps, but at certain points we need to take some steps toward independence theirs and ours. Wow, that sounds so good, I could practice some of this....Feel free to email me. We have lots in common. We also lived on a farm, small rural setting in Central Illinois. You are not alone.....and there are a ton of good people on this site. Hang in there.Lind

[CLC379]

i dont think he tried very hard to shoot himself but it was a warning & threat to you, dont threaten him take him straight to a therapist. suicide aint no joke or friendly way to deal with his family.

i was 18 when had my accident lost all my friends was depressed just didnt have interest in friends. The loneliest times of my life were the first couple years when I was home alone. I hated getting help and used to cuss my mom or family members for helping i was frustrated and had no choice but accept help. think it hurt worse that they would keep helping me even when i was cussing them.

I think he is going to come out of this but he probably is comfortable with things the way they are and he probably has in his head hes going to walk in 5 years so in his opinion he just wants you to hang in there a few more years?

I dont like therapist myself but in this case you need to do something. darn sure wouldnt let him get away with that shooting stunt

Want to be involved in reasearch. like a guinee pig

[marmalady]

Hi, Farm Mom, and welcome to Carecure! You are absolutely not alone; we're all there, or have been there in some way or another, and know how you feel.

'when to nurture and when to stop' - Your son sounds as though he needs some counseling, pronto; that's part of nurturing, too. When to stop - I found myself, when in the same situation, recalling back to when he was a toddler, and how I had to let him try things for himself, but to be there in case he fell. I think it's the same here. It's hard for us to see our kids struggling and struggling to get something done; my impulse was to just do it for him, because it was faster-easier-caused him less turmoil and frustration; I've had to learn to back way off on that.

I think when our kids are injured, we find ourselves 'joined at the hip' again, like we felt when they were babies. But just as we had to let 'em 'grow up' that first time, it's the same process now; we have to let them 'grow into' their new situation, and learn to cope by themselves, even tho it's painful to watch.

And it's important for you and your husband to get your own lives back, as well as your relationship with each other. Easy to say, huh!

Please stay on the boards; everyone here will help you through this, and also feel free to email anytime.

Be well and happy. Jackie

_____________
Tough times don't last - tough people do.

[TD]

One thing I have not seen here is the warning that is probably not needed but should be stated anyway. Your son, having suicidal thoughts, should be watched carefully and have his access to guns severely limited. His "ATTEMPTED" suicide is a call for help. This is all part of the denial which we all have gone through when we lost the use of our bodies. As you have seen through other reponses he can get through this and live life to its fullest. It just takes time to accept what God and life have dealt him.

Perhaps a stint in that nursing home will give him the perspective he needs to continue on with his life. There he will most likely meet others in similar situations and our peers are our best teachers.

"And so it begins."

[SKYCO]

My husband is a t-10 para Im using his name skyco.
and he goes thru feeling depressed and then feeling good again I had helped him with things ever since he came home from rehab. in rehab he was independent but when he got home it was alll so hard and fell right intop place and took care of everything then he started to come out of it and do things ( I had to go to work) he would call me with things he had done by himself but he still was not totally independent untill I hurt my back and had to have surgery my self I am good tho I can walk and everything Im fine but he had to take care of himself while I was in the hospital and he did I dont know if Ive helped you but I know it took my husband having to take care of himself and nobody to help him to get up and go he now still is independent I know that he is a lower injury and can do more but sometimes you have to say thats it you have to do this or it wont be done.
good luck and do take a vacation every one needs to get away believe me I found out in the hospital it was the break I needed to sleep and not worry I couldnt worry I had to take care of me.well I hope I helped.
Alison

[BJ]

This is a difficult situation, like marmalady I would certainly suggest counsling ASAP. But from past experience the rurual area that you are in is a whole nother problem in it's self. My background is rural SW Minnesota and Central Nebraska. The resources in areas like these are very limited. For us luckily we were able to tap into other couples where one had an SCI and one was AB. They were and still are valuable to the two of us keeping our sanity. I will put the word out to friends who are still back in the midwest for some resources near you. But best guess to find any professional assistance with SCI issues will be at Mayo in Rochester, MN, Omaha or Minneapolis at the University Hospital